Haven't been blogging here for a while. This is definitely not the best time of my life. Life is sucky recently. So sucky that I dont care about food, I couldnt sleep and I just feel emo for the rest of the day. Firstly its school, then im not feeling well, then I did stupid things and then I messed up a relationship. And now I'm not feeling well again...Sucky?
I think I couldnt take it anymore. I'm trying to save something but somehow I feel that I am losing it and losing myself. My life doesnt revolves around passion, love, optimism and laughter now. Everyday its a never-ending misery. I looked at my watch and it is 11am, I looked again and its 11.30...then its 3...and its 5..then 8..9...10..11.... And its time to sleep but I couldnt. Not because I don't want to, but its hard for me to close my eyes without thinking about things. Things which I don't know how to talk about. Because nobody can ever give me the best advice, and nobody will ever understand.
I guess love is like a cycle. Its single then it starts to get complicated in a good way, then you are in a relationship and then things started to get complicated again. But in a bad way. And then you fall into this dark pit of sorrow, agony, doubt, jealousy, depression, and drown yourself with tears. Sometimes you couldnt even drown, because its too painful to tear at all. And your mind is spinning with the images of the past, present and the bleak future. Far away as it shone under the light of uncertainty. And your mind goes blank, thinking what you had done or shouldnt have done. If only....we have never met. Or if only...I didnt chose to say that word.
Things die with a reason. And you are determine to find out why, but again he is inside his 'Nothing Box'. Shutting away from all the realities and reasoning. I hate collecting evidences of the unfaithfulness. But I did. My heart chose not to believe those evidences but my eyes did. It is a tug of war between what I see and what I believe in. Should I follow my heart or eyes? Everything is going in their different direction now. And everything is wrong......My life has never been this distorted before.
What should I do?
I probably should distract myself now. There are too many things to think over.
Probably I'll just be gone for a while.... but I h0pe it wont be too long.
I am just so heartbroken.